Three Tips to Save Your Life

North Dakotans have ice skills. Do as they do. (photo: nd.gov)

Tip #1: FROZEN RIVER (courtesy of esquire.com)
– don’t cross it
– if you have to cross it, then Blue ice is the strongest, followed by White. Avoid ice that is gray with puddles.
four inches is the minimum safe thickness
– when crossing, spread your weight as much as possible by crawling on your belly. (Channel your inner penguin.)
– if you do fall through, don’t plan on climbing out. Plan on *swimming* out. Kick yourself upward as hard as possible, reach out as far as you can, and get your chest back on the ice. Then keep kicking and dragging, arms out and chest down, until you’re out.

Tip #2: DRIVING IN THE RAIN (part one)
– How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy downpour: wear sunglasses. (Really.) You still see the drops on the windshield, but not the sheet of rain falling.

Tip #3: DRIVING IN THE RAIN (part two)
– Never drive in the rain with cruise control on. If the cruise control is on when your car begins to hydro-plane (tires losing contact with pavement), then your car will accelerate, your wheels will begin to spin at a higher and higher rate of speed, and eventually your whole car will take off like an airplane.

Summary:
1) Blue & White ice + channel your inner penguin
2) wear sunglasses when it rains
3) cruise control + rain = airplane (sounds awesome, not awesome)

– Jonah Lundberg

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How to Speak New Zealand (because talking like a Kiwi is “sweet as”)

How to Speak "New Zillund"

(photo: MediaWorks Radio)

Jonah Lundberg

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6 Phases of Auditing

My brother, an auditor for a major accounting firm in NYC, sent this to me via email. This post is in honor of my brother, young auditors all across the country, and cats.

Phase 1
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You are listening to jazz — Your first day at work is great. Your fellow auditors are wonderful, the office is nice, you love your clients, and when you finally get paid it is the best!

Phase 2
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You are listening to pop music — After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you’re coming or going anymore.

Phase 3
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You are listening to heavy metal — This is what you feel like after ONE month.

Phase 4
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You are listening to hip hop — You become bloated due to stress, you’re gaining weight due to lack of exercise because you are so tired and have so much work to do and, when you do get home, you feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your fellow co-workers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your audit room are closing in. You have started thinking ‘WHATEVER’ about your team.

Phase 5
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You are listening to GANGSTA RAP — After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch and you forget what a ‘good hair day’ feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

Phase 6
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You are listening to the voices in your head — You have locked yourself in the bathroom to keep people out.  You wonder WHY you are even here in the first place and WHY you became an auditor!

Jonah Lundberg

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Abroad in New Zealand: bungee jumping, skydiving, white water rafting, et cetera, and I end up writing THIS?

Gettin' my hobbit on with my pants all rolled up

I originally wrote “Beth” as a writing exercise that was intended to help “increase powers in sentence writing.” I decided to “go the extra mile” by using way too many conjunctions and absolutely no punctuation whatsoever (“polysyndeton”). This decision was inspired by passages in Cormac McCarthy’s All the Pretty Horses and many run-on sentences written by Ernest Hemingway. Thankfully, the astonishingly long 250-word sentence was capable of being cut into a poem format, and would ultimately become the poem that can be seen below.

“Beth” is based on my experience at Bethells Beach with the Boston University study abroad group in July 2010. I wanted to express the powerful and raw personality of New Zealand’s nature by describing the perfect example of a New Zealand beach. For us Americans, a typical beach is sunny, warm, and relaxing; in New Zealand, however, the typical beach is wild, unforgiving, desolate, colossal, stunning, beautiful, surreal, strong, spiritual, and absolutely mesmerizing. All these adjectives would never be able to describe what I actually wanted to express, so I – in a very “Romantic” mood – wrote this instead…

NOTE: “Beth” has since been published on BU Quad — Boston University’s independent online magazine — with a vocal recording performed by yours truly. Please feel free to check it out over on their website!

Beth

The wind whooshed downward like the massive broom tips of some giant maid
Frantically sweeping the dirty mist under the old rug of grey clouds looming
Above the sound of a frothing sea far off in the distance.
 
And the filthy top-layer of dusty black sand came to life,
Slowly tumbling over itself and tumbling over and over,
Nervously popping upwards in higher and higher bounces
Like fleas collectively taking flight like an albatross:
Scraping along the oceantop then gliding through a trough
Then skimming a peak
Then gliding again
Then skimming again
Then gliding again
Until finally cupping a generous gust of wind only to be its captive
And forced to soar wherever it wanted to blow.
 
And it blew
Toward the lone figure
Hunched under the abandoned lifeguard tower like a penguin in a blizzard waiting for it to pass,
And the wood wept its saturated tears upon his hair as he gazed out
At the calamitous beauty of the place that
Reviled his presence and
Wished him gone
To no avail
Before succumbing to his patience and painting the faint brushstrokes of a rainbow descending
From the clouds to let spears of sunlight
Pierce the ground and
Halt the wind and
Pin the sand.
 
And the man walked out
To where the ocean reached toward him and stretched like taffy
To create a mirror that reflected the clearing sky above,
And he walked atop the mirror towards the foamy wall
Of where the ocean peaked and tumbled and thrashed down upon itself
 
And then he stood
Where its powerful hands pulled his heels like a desperate lover
Beckoning him
To join her out far beyond where his eyes could see.
 

Jonah Lundberg
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© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.


Blog Post #1!

Hello world! This is my first official post, so I’ll keep it short and sweet. I’ve set up this blog to post two things: short stories inspired by my life, and random op-ed stuff. That’s it! (Basically this is me cloud computing, storing my writing online in case my computer crashes again; and why not cloud compute and learn about blogging at the same time?) If anyone out there actually reads this, thanks! Hope you enjoy it.

Jonah Lundberg
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© 2011 akaK. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.