I Know What Causes Canker Sores

Do me a favor and Google: “cause of canker sores.” Don’t even click on the search results, just read the text underneath the search results.

Google Result for Canker Sores = No Cure for Canker Sores

Did you notice anything that’s frustrating? Correctamundo! Nobody knows what causes canker sores. This is frustrating, because nobody likes canker sores. In fact, everybody really, really, really hates them.

But don’t worry! Because I have discovered the cause of canker sores: spicy-coated peanuts. Or, at least some combination of the ingredients found in spicy-coated peanuts: wheat flour, glutinous rice flour, sugar, chili powder, salt, canjun seasoning, soy sauce, starch, and paprika extract. I have a notion that the true cause comes from mixing spicy stuff like cajun seasoning with wheat flour and starch, because when I eat Planters spicy peanuts, which do not have wheat flour coating, I do not get canker sores.

Spicy-Coated Peanuts = Canker Sores

How do I know spicy-coated peanuts cause canker sores? Simple: because canker sores show up every time I eat spicy-coated peanuts. For approximately three years I did not have canker sores. Not once. Not ever. Then I ate my first bag of spicy-coated peanuts, and the following day I had two TERRIBLE TWIN canker sores — sitting right next to each other — in the front-left section of my lower lip. The canker sores went away after about one week.

A month later I ate another bag of spicy-coated peanuts, and HOLY CRAP OW the TERRIBLE TWINS immediately returned.

That’s how I know spicy-coated peanuts cause canker sores.

So what do I do about this dilemma? Well, as much as I love spicy-coated peanuts, they give me canker sores, so I don’t eat them anymore.

Now please note that my findings are not statistically significant, but please also note that I do not care. Not one bit. I don’t care whether or not my conclusion about spicy-coated peanuts is enough to infer a generalization about an entire population. All I care about is that I discovered what causes ME to get canker sores.

So, if you don’t want canker sores anymore, here is my advice:

  • do NOT eat spicy-coated peanuts
  • if you do get canker sores but you never eat spicy-coated peanuts, then — whenever you get your next canker sore — try to remember what food you ate the day prior and determine if that food was something you don’t normally eat, and then — once the canker sore goes away — eat that same food again to see if you get a canker sore again
  • this is very simple, it is not statistically significant, but AS LONG AS IT WILL WORK FOR YOU, THEN THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. Seriously: you won’t get canker sores anymore, what else do you want?

Good luck!

P.S. — special thanks to Tim Ferriss and his book, “The 4-Hour Body,” for teaching the value of self-experimentation. I recommend you buy it immediately; it’s a keeper for life.

Epilogue:

4/23/2011 Update: I ate a breakfast burrito (i.e. starch) with extra-spicy hot sauce (i.e. cajun seasoning, salt)  yesterday and, you guessed it, I have a canker sore today! Looks like my theory that the combination of starch + spicy causes canker sores is getting more credible…

– Jonah Lundberg

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.


A Funny Thing Happened To Me Last Saturday

note: this was originally written last Saturday (April 9, 2011)

Today I was writing a law paper on the 26th floor of StuVi2, and I watched the jets fly over Fenway Park for the Red Sox home opener. It was cool, to say the least, and I tried to soak it all in, that stunning skyline on a perfectly clear spring day, as I knew that I would be graduating in one month, never to see that view again.

After I finished writing my paper, I took the elevator down to my eight-man suite on the 18th floor. As the elevator descended, I began reading a lengthy and detailed email on my BlackBerry, with the smartphone close to my face to see everything on the small screen. As the doors opened a guy walked in as I walked out, my head still hunched and eyes still locked on my BlackBerry as I walked down the hall until I reached my eight-man suite, the second door on the left, and opened it without a key because we always leave our main door unlocked, walked in, saw someone on the couch out of the corner of my eye (probably Dan; he was watching TV when I left), said a casual “Hey,” then noticed a deflated air mattress on the floor of the hallway outside my room that was not there when I had left. Then I noticed that the bathroom across from my room looked completely different — why were the tiles green and not grey?

I spun around, looked at the guy in the Red Sox cap on the couch, and he said “Hey” with a look of amused bewilderment, as if responding to a quiet “hello” from a stranger who was in his face on a crowded but silent subway making its morning commute.

“HEY. Uh. What floor am I on?”

“Nineteen,” he replied, grinning.

“OH!! HAHA, I live on eighteen, I live on EIGHTEEN! HAHA, sorry about that…

…welp, see ya later,” I said.

“See ya!” he said back, returning to his book.

And then I walked out, laughing all the way down the hallway. BlackBerrys can make you look like an idiot.

– Jonah Lundberg

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.