A Note from Captain America

Intro: the much-anticipated superhero movie Captain America: The First Avenger makes its nationwide debut today and Mr. America wanted to tell you a little bit about himself. Special thanks to Captain America’s biographers over at Wikipedia for unearthing some truly absurd facts about him.

Enter “The Captain”…

I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I am a perfect specimen of human development and conditioning, standing with perfect posture at 6’2″ and weighing in at 240 pounds. My body fat percentage is a decimal point. There are no numbers.

My strength, endurance, agility, and speed are at the highest limits of human potential. The secrets of developing a superhuman were lost with the death of my creator, so I am better at anything than anyone who has ever existed on the entire planet. Ever. Examples? Sure. I run one mile in approximately 73 seconds; I run 100 meters in three. I bench 1,800 and am fire-retardant and bulletproof.

I have reflexes and senses that are extraordinarily keen, allowing me to fling indestructible shields through bowling pins with unerring accuracy. (I bowl 300.) I have masterfully blended judo, kickboxing, and gymnastics into my own unique fighting style that allows me to levitate like a genie for minutes at a time. My astonishingly high resistance to physical injury approaches invulnerability, allowing me to survive being frozen in suspended animation for decades. I am immune to all diseases and cannot become intoxicated by alcohol, drugs, or impurities in the air so if you push me I can — and will — drink you under the table.

I am an expert in combat strategy, ice skating, demolitions, and aeronautics. Despite my high profile as one of the world’s most popular and recognizable superheroes, I entered the 2010 Red Bull Flugtag after constructing an aircraft from plywood and spit, and flew the vessel for a record-setting 170 meters. Occasionally, I make forays into relatively mundane career fields, including commercial arts, comic book artistry, education (high school history), and law enforcement.

When I’m bored, I use my abilities to better mankind on a massive scale. The Green Mile is Stephen King’s metaphorical account of the day I healed thousands of Louisianans, pulverized racism, and piloted a state-wide protest of execution by electrocution. I once won a world war for the good guys, and currently serve as vocal coach for George Clooney during weekly golf outings. Anything titled “America” post-1950 is named after me.

When I need to transport companions to a destination, I have a custom-built battle van that changes color and is fitted to conceal my custom motorcycle named Toothgnasher, which can fly anywhere I desire. Maybe I’ll even let you ride on my bike (ladies) if you see my movie, which is released nationwide today. Did I mention that I am more handsome than you can possibly comprehend? Also, I am American.

Captain America: American.

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.

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A Funny Thing Happened To Me Last Saturday

note: this was originally written last Saturday (April 9, 2011)

Today I was writing a law paper on the 26th floor of StuVi2, and I watched the jets fly over Fenway Park for the Red Sox home opener. It was cool, to say the least, and I tried to soak it all in, that stunning skyline on a perfectly clear spring day, as I knew that I would be graduating in one month, never to see that view again.

After I finished writing my paper, I took the elevator down to my eight-man suite on the 18th floor. As the elevator descended, I began reading a lengthy and detailed email on my BlackBerry, with the smartphone close to my face to see everything on the small screen. As the doors opened a guy walked in as I walked out, my head still hunched and eyes still locked on my BlackBerry as I walked down the hall until I reached my eight-man suite, the second door on the left, and opened it without a key because we always leave our main door unlocked, walked in, saw someone on the couch out of the corner of my eye (probably Dan; he was watching TV when I left), said a casual “Hey,” then noticed a deflated air mattress on the floor of the hallway outside my room that was not there when I had left. Then I noticed that the bathroom across from my room looked completely different — why were the tiles green and not grey?

I spun around, looked at the guy in the Red Sox cap on the couch, and he said “Hey” with a look of amused bewilderment, as if responding to a quiet “hello” from a stranger who was in his face on a crowded but silent subway making its morning commute.

“HEY. Uh. What floor am I on?”

“Nineteen,” he replied, grinning.

“OH!! HAHA, I live on eighteen, I live on EIGHTEEN! HAHA, sorry about that…

…welp, see ya later,” I said.

“See ya!” he said back, returning to his book.

And then I walked out, laughing all the way down the hallway. BlackBerrys can make you look like an idiot.

– Jonah Lundberg

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.


Abroad in New Zealand: bungee jumping, skydiving, white water rafting, et cetera, and I end up writing THIS?

Gettin' my hobbit on with my pants all rolled up

I originally wrote “Beth” as a writing exercise that was intended to help “increase powers in sentence writing.” I decided to “go the extra mile” by using way too many conjunctions and absolutely no punctuation whatsoever (“polysyndeton”). This decision was inspired by passages in Cormac McCarthy’s All the Pretty Horses and many run-on sentences written by Ernest Hemingway. Thankfully, the astonishingly long 250-word sentence was capable of being cut into a poem format, and would ultimately become the poem that can be seen below.

“Beth” is based on my experience at Bethells Beach with the Boston University study abroad group in July 2010. I wanted to express the powerful and raw personality of New Zealand’s nature by describing the perfect example of a New Zealand beach. For us Americans, a typical beach is sunny, warm, and relaxing; in New Zealand, however, the typical beach is wild, unforgiving, desolate, colossal, stunning, beautiful, surreal, strong, spiritual, and absolutely mesmerizing. All these adjectives would never be able to describe what I actually wanted to express, so I – in a very “Romantic” mood – wrote this instead…

NOTE: “Beth” has since been published on BU Quad — Boston University’s independent online magazine — with a vocal recording performed by yours truly. Please feel free to check it out over on their website!

Beth

The wind whooshed downward like the massive broom tips of some giant maid
Frantically sweeping the dirty mist under the old rug of grey clouds looming
Above the sound of a frothing sea far off in the distance.
 
And the filthy top-layer of dusty black sand came to life,
Slowly tumbling over itself and tumbling over and over,
Nervously popping upwards in higher and higher bounces
Like fleas collectively taking flight like an albatross:
Scraping along the oceantop then gliding through a trough
Then skimming a peak
Then gliding again
Then skimming again
Then gliding again
Until finally cupping a generous gust of wind only to be its captive
And forced to soar wherever it wanted to blow.
 
And it blew
Toward the lone figure
Hunched under the abandoned lifeguard tower like a penguin in a blizzard waiting for it to pass,
And the wood wept its saturated tears upon his hair as he gazed out
At the calamitous beauty of the place that
Reviled his presence and
Wished him gone
To no avail
Before succumbing to his patience and painting the faint brushstrokes of a rainbow descending
From the clouds to let spears of sunlight
Pierce the ground and
Halt the wind and
Pin the sand.
 
And the man walked out
To where the ocean reached toward him and stretched like taffy
To create a mirror that reflected the clearing sky above,
And he walked atop the mirror towards the foamy wall
Of where the ocean peaked and tumbled and thrashed down upon itself
 
And then he stood
Where its powerful hands pulled his heels like a desperate lover
Beckoning him
To join her out far beyond where his eyes could see.
 

Jonah Lundberg
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© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.