A Note from Captain America

Intro: the much-anticipated superhero movie Captain America: The First Avenger makes its nationwide debut today and Mr. America wanted to tell you a little bit about himself. Special thanks to Captain America’s biographers over at Wikipedia for unearthing some truly absurd facts about him.

Enter “The Captain”…

I have blonde hair and blue eyes. I am a perfect specimen of human development and conditioning, standing with perfect posture at 6’2″ and weighing in at 240 pounds. My body fat percentage is a decimal point. There are no numbers.

My strength, endurance, agility, and speed are at the highest limits of human potential. The secrets of developing a superhuman were lost with the death of my creator, so I am better at anything than anyone who has ever existed on the entire planet. Ever. Examples? Sure. I run one mile in approximately 73 seconds; I run 100 meters in three. I bench 1,800 and am fire-retardant and bulletproof.

I have reflexes and senses that are extraordinarily keen, allowing me to fling indestructible shields through bowling pins with unerring accuracy. (I bowl 300.) I have masterfully blended judo, kickboxing, and gymnastics into my own unique fighting style that allows me to levitate like a genie for minutes at a time. My astonishingly high resistance to physical injury approaches invulnerability, allowing me to survive being frozen in suspended animation for decades. I am immune to all diseases and cannot become intoxicated by alcohol, drugs, or impurities in the air so if you push me I can — and will — drink you under the table.

I am an expert in combat strategy, ice skating, demolitions, and aeronautics. Despite my high profile as one of the world’s most popular and recognizable superheroes, I entered the 2010 Red Bull Flugtag after constructing an aircraft from plywood and spit, and flew the vessel for a record-setting 170 meters. Occasionally, I make forays into relatively mundane career fields, including commercial arts, comic book artistry, education (high school history), and law enforcement.

When I’m bored, I use my abilities to better mankind on a massive scale. The Green Mile is Stephen King’s metaphorical account of the day I healed thousands of Louisianans, pulverized racism, and piloted a state-wide protest of execution by electrocution. I once won a world war for the good guys, and currently serve as vocal coach for George Clooney during weekly golf outings. Anything titled “America” post-1950 is named after me.

When I need to transport companions to a destination, I have a custom-built battle van that changes color and is fitted to conceal my custom motorcycle named Toothgnasher, which can fly anywhere I desire. Maybe I’ll even let you ride on my bike (ladies) if you see my movie, which is released nationwide today. Did I mention that I am more handsome than you can possibly comprehend? Also, I am American.

Captain America: American.

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.

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I Know What Causes Canker Sores

Do me a favor and Google: “cause of canker sores.” Don’t even click on the search results, just read the text underneath the search results.

Google Result for Canker Sores = No Cure for Canker Sores

Did you notice anything that’s frustrating? Correctamundo! Nobody knows what causes canker sores. This is frustrating, because nobody likes canker sores. In fact, everybody really, really, really hates them.

But don’t worry! Because I have discovered the cause of canker sores: spicy-coated peanuts. Or, at least some combination of the ingredients found in spicy-coated peanuts: wheat flour, glutinous rice flour, sugar, chili powder, salt, canjun seasoning, soy sauce, starch, and paprika extract. I have a notion that the true cause comes from mixing spicy stuff like cajun seasoning with wheat flour and starch, because when I eat Planters spicy peanuts, which do not have wheat flour coating, I do not get canker sores.

Spicy-Coated Peanuts = Canker Sores

How do I know spicy-coated peanuts cause canker sores? Simple: because canker sores show up every time I eat spicy-coated peanuts. For approximately three years I did not have canker sores. Not once. Not ever. Then I ate my first bag of spicy-coated peanuts, and the following day I had two TERRIBLE TWIN canker sores — sitting right next to each other — in the front-left section of my lower lip. The canker sores went away after about one week.

A month later I ate another bag of spicy-coated peanuts, and HOLY CRAP OW the TERRIBLE TWINS immediately returned.

That’s how I know spicy-coated peanuts cause canker sores.

So what do I do about this dilemma? Well, as much as I love spicy-coated peanuts, they give me canker sores, so I don’t eat them anymore.

Now please note that my findings are not statistically significant, but please also note that I do not care. Not one bit. I don’t care whether or not my conclusion about spicy-coated peanuts is enough to infer a generalization about an entire population. All I care about is that I discovered what causes ME to get canker sores.

So, if you don’t want canker sores anymore, here is my advice:

  • do NOT eat spicy-coated peanuts
  • if you do get canker sores but you never eat spicy-coated peanuts, then — whenever you get your next canker sore — try to remember what food you ate the day prior and determine if that food was something you don’t normally eat, and then — once the canker sore goes away — eat that same food again to see if you get a canker sore again
  • this is very simple, it is not statistically significant, but AS LONG AS IT WILL WORK FOR YOU, THEN THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. Seriously: you won’t get canker sores anymore, what else do you want?

Good luck!

P.S. — special thanks to Tim Ferriss and his book, “The 4-Hour Body,” for teaching the value of self-experimentation. I recommend you buy it immediately; it’s a keeper for life.

Epilogue:

4/23/2011 Update: I ate a breakfast burrito (i.e. starch) with extra-spicy hot sauce (i.e. cajun seasoning, salt)  yesterday and, you guessed it, I have a canker sore today! Looks like my theory that the combination of starch + spicy causes canker sores is getting more credible…

– Jonah Lundberg

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.


A Funny Thing Happened To Me Last Saturday

note: this was originally written last Saturday (April 9, 2011)

Today I was writing a law paper on the 26th floor of StuVi2, and I watched the jets fly over Fenway Park for the Red Sox home opener. It was cool, to say the least, and I tried to soak it all in, that stunning skyline on a perfectly clear spring day, as I knew that I would be graduating in one month, never to see that view again.

After I finished writing my paper, I took the elevator down to my eight-man suite on the 18th floor. As the elevator descended, I began reading a lengthy and detailed email on my BlackBerry, with the smartphone close to my face to see everything on the small screen. As the doors opened a guy walked in as I walked out, my head still hunched and eyes still locked on my BlackBerry as I walked down the hall until I reached my eight-man suite, the second door on the left, and opened it without a key because we always leave our main door unlocked, walked in, saw someone on the couch out of the corner of my eye (probably Dan; he was watching TV when I left), said a casual “Hey,” then noticed a deflated air mattress on the floor of the hallway outside my room that was not there when I had left. Then I noticed that the bathroom across from my room looked completely different — why were the tiles green and not grey?

I spun around, looked at the guy in the Red Sox cap on the couch, and he said “Hey” with a look of amused bewilderment, as if responding to a quiet “hello” from a stranger who was in his face on a crowded but silent subway making its morning commute.

“HEY. Uh. What floor am I on?”

“Nineteen,” he replied, grinning.

“OH!! HAHA, I live on eighteen, I live on EIGHTEEN! HAHA, sorry about that…

…welp, see ya later,” I said.

“See ya!” he said back, returning to his book.

And then I walked out, laughing all the way down the hallway. BlackBerrys can make you look like an idiot.

– Jonah Lundberg

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.


Green Bay Packers Win Super Bowl XLV

cham·pi·on [cham-pee-uhn] — noun
1. one who has defeated all opponents in a competition or series of competitions, so as to hold first place: the Green Bay Packers won Super Bowl XLV to become the NFL Champion for the 2010 season.

“Go Pack Go!” chanted the Green Bay Packers‘ die-hard fans. “Go Pack Go!” they cried throughout the entire 2010 season.

And the Pack did just that. They went all the way, and they won it all. After 14 long years Vince Lombardi found his way back into the hands of his team, and all was well in the world of football.

– Jonah Lundberg

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.


How to Speak New Zealand (because talking like a Kiwi is “sweet as”)

How to Speak "New Zillund"

(photo: MediaWorks Radio)

Jonah Lundberg

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6 Phases of Auditing

My brother, an auditor for a major accounting firm in NYC, sent this to me via email. This post is in honor of my brother, young auditors all across the country, and cats.

Phase 1
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You are listening to jazz — Your first day at work is great. Your fellow auditors are wonderful, the office is nice, you love your clients, and when you finally get paid it is the best!

Phase 2
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You are listening to pop music — After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you’re coming or going anymore.

Phase 3
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You are listening to heavy metal — This is what you feel like after ONE month.

Phase 4
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You are listening to hip hop — You become bloated due to stress, you’re gaining weight due to lack of exercise because you are so tired and have so much work to do and, when you do get home, you feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your fellow co-workers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your audit room are closing in. You have started thinking ‘WHATEVER’ about your team.

Phase 5
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You are listening to GANGSTA RAP — After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch and you forget what a ‘good hair day’ feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

Phase 6
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You are listening to the voices in your head — You have locked yourself in the bathroom to keep people out.  You wonder WHY you are even here in the first place and WHY you became an auditor!

Jonah Lundberg

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