I Know What Causes Canker Sores

Do me a favor and Google: “cause of canker sores.” Don’t even click on the search results, just read the text underneath the search results.

Google Result for Canker Sores = No Cure for Canker Sores

Did you notice anything that’s frustrating? Correctamundo! Nobody knows what causes canker sores. This is frustrating, because nobody likes canker sores. In fact, everybody really, really, really hates them.

But don’t worry! Because I have discovered the cause of canker sores: spicy-coated peanuts. Or, at least some combination of the ingredients found in spicy-coated peanuts: wheat flour, glutinous rice flour, sugar, chili powder, salt, canjun seasoning, soy sauce, starch, and paprika extract. I have a notion that the true cause comes from mixing spicy stuff like cajun seasoning with wheat flour and starch, because when I eat Planters spicy peanuts, which do not have wheat flour coating, I do not get canker sores.

Spicy-Coated Peanuts = Canker Sores

How do I know spicy-coated peanuts cause canker sores? Simple: because canker sores show up every time I eat spicy-coated peanuts. For approximately three years I did not have canker sores. Not once. Not ever. Then I ate my first bag of spicy-coated peanuts, and the following day I had two TERRIBLE TWIN canker sores — sitting right next to each other — in the front-left section of my lower lip. The canker sores went away after about one week.

A month later I ate another bag of spicy-coated peanuts, and HOLY CRAP OW the TERRIBLE TWINS immediately returned.

That’s how I know spicy-coated peanuts cause canker sores.

So what do I do about this dilemma? Well, as much as I love spicy-coated peanuts, they give me canker sores, so I don’t eat them anymore.

Now please note that my findings are not statistically significant, but please also note that I do not care. Not one bit. I don’t care whether or not my conclusion about spicy-coated peanuts is enough to infer a generalization about an entire population. All I care about is that I discovered what causes ME to get canker sores.

So, if you don’t want canker sores anymore, here is my advice:

  • do NOT eat spicy-coated peanuts
  • if you do get canker sores but you never eat spicy-coated peanuts, then — whenever you get your next canker sore — try to remember what food you ate the day prior and determine if that food was something you don’t normally eat, and then — once the canker sore goes away — eat that same food again to see if you get a canker sore again
  • this is very simple, it is not statistically significant, but AS LONG AS IT WILL WORK FOR YOU, THEN THAT’S ALL THAT MATTERS. Seriously: you won’t get canker sores anymore, what else do you want?

Good luck!

P.S. — special thanks to Tim Ferriss and his book, “The 4-Hour Body,” for teaching the value of self-experimentation. I recommend you buy it immediately; it’s a keeper for life.

Epilogue:

4/23/2011 Update: I ate a breakfast burrito (i.e. starch) with extra-spicy hot sauce (i.e. cajun seasoning, salt)  yesterday and, you guessed it, I have a canker sore today! Looks like my theory that the combination of starch + spicy causes canker sores is getting more credible…

– Jonah Lundberg

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A Funny Thing Happened To Me Last Saturday

note: this was originally written last Saturday (April 9, 2011)

Today I was writing a law paper on the 26th floor of StuVi2, and I watched the jets fly over Fenway Park for the Red Sox home opener. It was cool, to say the least, and I tried to soak it all in, that stunning skyline on a perfectly clear spring day, as I knew that I would be graduating in one month, never to see that view again.

After I finished writing my paper, I took the elevator down to my eight-man suite on the 18th floor. As the elevator descended, I began reading a lengthy and detailed email on my BlackBerry, with the smartphone close to my face to see everything on the small screen. As the doors opened a guy walked in as I walked out, my head still hunched and eyes still locked on my BlackBerry as I walked down the hall until I reached my eight-man suite, the second door on the left, and opened it without a key because we always leave our main door unlocked, walked in, saw someone on the couch out of the corner of my eye (probably Dan; he was watching TV when I left), said a casual “Hey,” then noticed a deflated air mattress on the floor of the hallway outside my room that was not there when I had left. Then I noticed that the bathroom across from my room looked completely different — why were the tiles green and not grey?

I spun around, looked at the guy in the Red Sox cap on the couch, and he said “Hey” with a look of amused bewilderment, as if responding to a quiet “hello” from a stranger who was in his face on a crowded but silent subway making its morning commute.

“HEY. Uh. What floor am I on?”

“Nineteen,” he replied, grinning.

“OH!! HAHA, I live on eighteen, I live on EIGHTEEN! HAHA, sorry about that…

…welp, see ya later,” I said.

“See ya!” he said back, returning to his book.

And then I walked out, laughing all the way down the hallway. BlackBerrys can make you look like an idiot.

– Jonah Lundberg

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.


Green Bay Packers Win Super Bowl XLV

cham·pi·on [cham-pee-uhn] — noun
1. one who has defeated all opponents in a competition or series of competitions, so as to hold first place: the Green Bay Packers won Super Bowl XLV to become the NFL Champion for the 2010 season.

“Go Pack Go!” chanted the Green Bay Packers‘ die-hard fans. “Go Pack Go!” they cried throughout the entire 2010 season.

And the Pack did just that. They went all the way, and they won it all. After 14 long years Vince Lombardi found his way back into the hands of his team, and all was well in the world of football.

– Jonah Lundberg

© 2011 Jonah Lundberg. All Rights Reserved. Powered by WordPress.


Abroad in New Zealand: bungee jumping, skydiving, white water rafting, et cetera, and I end up writing THIS?

Gettin' my hobbit on with my pants all rolled up

I originally wrote “Beth” as a writing exercise that was intended to help “increase powers in sentence writing.” I decided to “go the extra mile” by using way too many conjunctions and absolutely no punctuation whatsoever (“polysyndeton”). This decision was inspired by passages in Cormac McCarthy’s All the Pretty Horses and many run-on sentences written by Ernest Hemingway. Thankfully, the astonishingly long 250-word sentence was capable of being cut into a poem format, and would ultimately become the poem that can be seen below.

“Beth” is based on my experience at Bethells Beach with the Boston University study abroad group in July 2010. I wanted to express the powerful and raw personality of New Zealand’s nature by describing the perfect example of a New Zealand beach. For us Americans, a typical beach is sunny, warm, and relaxing; in New Zealand, however, the typical beach is wild, unforgiving, desolate, colossal, stunning, beautiful, surreal, strong, spiritual, and absolutely mesmerizing. All these adjectives would never be able to describe what I actually wanted to express, so I – in a very “Romantic” mood – wrote this instead…

NOTE: “Beth” has since been published on BU Quad — Boston University’s independent online magazine — with a vocal recording performed by yours truly. Please feel free to check it out over on their website!

Beth

The wind whooshed downward like the massive broom tips of some giant maid
Frantically sweeping the dirty mist under the old rug of grey clouds looming
Above the sound of a frothing sea far off in the distance.
 
And the filthy top-layer of dusty black sand came to life,
Slowly tumbling over itself and tumbling over and over,
Nervously popping upwards in higher and higher bounces
Like fleas collectively taking flight like an albatross:
Scraping along the oceantop then gliding through a trough
Then skimming a peak
Then gliding again
Then skimming again
Then gliding again
Until finally cupping a generous gust of wind only to be its captive
And forced to soar wherever it wanted to blow.
 
And it blew
Toward the lone figure
Hunched under the abandoned lifeguard tower like a penguin in a blizzard waiting for it to pass,
And the wood wept its saturated tears upon his hair as he gazed out
At the calamitous beauty of the place that
Reviled his presence and
Wished him gone
To no avail
Before succumbing to his patience and painting the faint brushstrokes of a rainbow descending
From the clouds to let spears of sunlight
Pierce the ground and
Halt the wind and
Pin the sand.
 
And the man walked out
To where the ocean reached toward him and stretched like taffy
To create a mirror that reflected the clearing sky above,
And he walked atop the mirror towards the foamy wall
Of where the ocean peaked and tumbled and thrashed down upon itself
 
And then he stood
Where its powerful hands pulled his heels like a desperate lover
Beckoning him
To join her out far beyond where his eyes could see.
 

Jonah Lundberg
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